Once was bizzare, twice was just a bit too freaky even for me, but three times? THREE fucking times???? What the hell am I supposed to do with this woman?

So far I've now established that everyone's favorite stiff died aged 26 on 16th June 2006, on his bike, somewhere on the motorway around Birmingham. 8 months later, your's truly wonders casually into the local Vodafone store, gets a new phone and contract and inherits Ryan's whole damn family calling me.

What the hell am I supposed to do with the woman? I can't put the phone down on her, telling her to fuck off just isn't on, and not answering just finds me listening to voice mail messages, and talking to her is just fucking strange beyond words. And to make things more fun, this time she finished with the line "speak to you again soon."

Joy.

The thing is she's even remembering what little information she can get from me too. For some reason today she was asking me if I was married, engaged etc etc. I'm starting to wonder if this is becoming prophetic now. It's like having death watching over your shoulder, and Damocles sword hanging above my head. There's not many things that bother me at the end of the day, but this is starting to make it's way up the list quite rapidly.

It's not like I can block the number either as it's a safe bet that they've got at least 2 other lines they could use in its place.

Answers on a postcard kids.

Do you know what I'm really sick of, more than anything these days? Celebrating stupidity. Every day I can't move for more than 5 seconds without witnessing it. And people can't seem to get enough of it either. Jade Goody has made more money that she can count* by being the single most spectacularly stupid woman on the face of the earth, and yet for some reason the NHS won't put her on adverts for contraception. I swear, stick her face on those STI adverts BANG no more teen pregnancies, no more diseases, and an over night solution to the whole teenage pregnancy issue. But instead what happens? This walking monument to idiocy get's more and more money thrown at her, more and more air time, and every one of these fucking morons out there tunes in. Time and time again. And then people wonder we have to dumb down exam papers so much? Gee is it really that tough to figure out?

Cigarette firms have made billions out of this kind of die hard stupidity, and pig headed unwillingness to realise that not only does smoking make you as attractive as syphilis, but will without any shadow of a doubt; it will kill you as well. What happens? Every one of these idiots still sit's there puffing away going 'Golly I must look cool. Hey Joe, how much they put the price up this year? Another 30p a pack? What's that mean? If I smoke we can only afford to eat 5 days a week now? Hmmmm. Hey, you gota light? Think I'm gonna have to have a smoke while I think this one through.'

What the hell happened to survival of the fittest anyway? All we are is jumped up monkeys when it boils down to it. Nature really is pretty simple at the end of the day. Those that do something stupid, that don't dive back down their hole when the predator comes by, that try learning to fly by jumping off the tree rather than starting on the ground, or that sit there scratching their heads trying to work out the hidden meaning behind the line 'SMOKING KILLS'. They die. Quickly. BANG straight out of the gene pool. Why? Because we do not need them. Period. They contribute nothing, benefit nothing and serve no purpose. Millions of years of evolution (sorry fundamentalists) have proven this. And don't sit there thinking I'm cruel. Because let me tell you something about all those people who want to sit there thinking I don't care. Thinking that I'm a cold hearted bastard that my parents should be ashamed of. You're the people who need to be told to 'mind the gap' every bloody morning. Ergo your opinion means nothing. Christ if it weren't for that little recorded voice I'd be walking to work across mountains of crushed corpses from those people who got to the train doors, saw the big black pit of death and just jumped right in. But hey, it's not all bad; at least I'd get a seat the next day. But what do we do about this? We stick warning labels on everything, and pay someone to tell us just because the gap's there doesn't mean we need to be in it. Then we tax the smart people to pay to medicate the stupid ones, and we start suing each other for our own mistakes. It's not right damn it, and it's sure as hell not natural. No matter which way we look at it, mankind is working against nature.

But just as life finds a way to live in the harshest of environments, nature find's its way back into our existence. We haven't quite caught on to this one yet, but it's happening. 50 years ago how many people do you think would have sued someone for burning themselves on hot coffee? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say none. At all. Anywhere. I'm also quite willing to state that most people would have been able to figure out that the fact that boiling water had just been poured into their cup might just perchance imply that it would be fucking hot, and that throwing it all over yourself might not be the smartest thing to do. Equally how many people would have decided to stop dead in the middle of a railway track, just because their Sat Nav told them to? Superman costumes need warning to tell the wearer that they can't actually fly in it? Peanuts contain nuts do they? Electrical appliances shouldn't be used while taking a shower? It'd be a good idea to stand clear of the closing doors rather than leave my head hanging out there would it? Where the hell are we finding the people who need to be told this? But as I said, nature finds a way, and Darwin had a point. But, we're not quite done yet are we. Nope instead of accepting that these things are for our own good, mankind decides to start happily slapping warning labels on everything, and keeps on doing its bit to go against natural selection. And for what good, or should that be Goody?

But despite all that, we've finally reached the point where someone's decided to turn that light at the end of the tunnel back on again. We've reach the marker where we're back to doing our bit to push these coffin dodging, ambulance chasing split condoms back off their cliffs. How? We're promoting cycling in central London. Yup, it's just that simple. Now every one of these idiots…'Was that a red light? Why are all those people walking across in front of me when that green thing starts beeping? Hey, where are all these cars going? Do they know something I don't? They're all going the opposite way from me, what am I missing back there?'

So just remember, every time you see one of these celebrated morons fly through a red light, every time you almost get hit because they've decided that they're above the law, for every car, bus, lorry and truck that comes screeching to a halt when one of these screen lickers takes to the road. Just remember nature finds a way. And in time, the problem will solve itself.

*current estimates put this at approximately £4.30

Do you remember as a kid running up to your Mum and Dad crying becuase you'd hurt yourself doing something stupid? Yup me too. Especially when someone bigger than me (yes, it used to happen) told me to do something and I did it without thinking. It's what kids do. You do it, you learn from it, you become a cynical git and don't believe anything anyone tells you. Generally, it's for the best.

Now meet the person who never quite learnt from it and blindly followed her Sat Nav onto a railway track. What makes this even better is that she got out, walked across the track, had a look around, messed about with the gates, and STILL didn't realise! This kids is why we have announcements telling you to mind the gap on train stations. Happily for her nobody was hurt.* Depressingly for the rest of us she's got a boyfriend and could therefore, presumably, find herself reproducing in the future.

There was going to be more here, but I'm too busy at the moment to unleash the whole experience at the moment. So you'll have to be patient.

*so the PC 'ohhh don't be so cruel' brigade to fuck right off before you even start on this one.

You know I really didn't think there would be a part 2. I thought we were done. It was weird, she was clearly disturbed (as many poor unfortunates in the past have been on talking to me), and that was that. She realised it was veering towards odd to call someone who had died 9 months earlier.

Then she called back.

There I was, descending into deepest darkest woodland*, where phone signals fear to tread, and deep undergrowth is plentiful, and my phone rings just long enough before the powers that be strip me of a signal. But not for soon enough for me not to look at the number.

I didn't know it, but it looked familiar. I wasn't sure, and then I got the voicemail.

"Hello. I don't know your name, but this is that boys mother. I just thought you should know." *click*

Thought I should know what? Having already established that she's a complete loon that's off the list. Or perhaps she was just checking that I hadn't been possessed by the ghost of Ryan in the past 3 weeks? Anyway, intrigued I called back....

Okay I didn't. I thought about it for about as long as it took for me to visualize an army of lawyers marching over the horizon in my direction and knocked the idea on the head.

The only thing I'm left wondering now is exactly how much mileage am I going to get out of this story?

In other news this is exactly what's wrong with the internet. As ever, words aren't needed at this point.

Christ sake.

*I daren't give out anything that might reval my location now!